SpaghettiBurrito.com big ideas for small times: Whoever said 'save the dolphins' was either an idiot or in on it.

Whoever said 'save the dolphins' was either an idiot or in on it.

So it's pretty normal in a seafaring town to talk about, well, seafaring things and one of those things as pretty much everyone know is dolphins. Not that there's an assload of dolphins swimming around Cape Cod in the middle of November, but every store worth it's salt in the bad taste department that's still open at this very *awkward* time of year which is pretty much every place that sells anything with Cape Cod stamped on it sells the good ole cc namesake dolphin cups, tees, ornaments, bath mats and, of course, the ever popular refrigerator magnet. In a moment of sheer genius I bought one of these bad boys for like $3.99 at a local rest area in an effort to prevent too many assholes from crashing my parties. Kind of like a Cape Cod evil eye or something. I figured I could just super glue it to my door or something and anyone strong enough to get past it without throwing up in their mouth had a fairly manly stomach and would probably wait until they got to their own home or at least someplace else to vomit if they drank too much or whatever rather than losing their cookies at my place. Which, btw, is working marvelously, but that's a story for another day.

The real story is the conversation that this magnetic asshat sparked one evening.

'Um, was that a DOLPHIN magnet on your door?'

'Yeah, you're not throwing up in your mouth are you?'

'No. But you do KNOW about dolphins don't you?'

'Sure. They're the things that all my friends from Puerto Rico like to decorate their bathrooms with. And their kitchens, and their bedrooms and...'

'Dolphins are RAPISTS. They have RAPE CAVES that they drag swimmers into, never to be heard from again. Totally had you pegged for someone that was against things like cross species gang rape. Guess I was wrong. I think I might have to go now.'

Now you're probably thinking what I was thinking at that very moment-that the friends, neighbors and occasional random strangers that frequent my home have even less of a grasp on, er, reality than I do. And, in a time before google, we all could sleep very well at night telling ourselves exactly that. Ignorance is bliss times these are not however and about thirty seconds later the cold, hard, wet truth was staring down the barrel of my smart phone at me in the form of text, images, audio, video and even a podcast or two. The plain and simple truth is about 629,000 search results just can't be wrong. Dolphins not only rape, they gang rape, they murder rape and fuck only knows what else. Page one results were quite enough for me to end my research into the dark side of the sea.

Which brings me to the save the dolphins movement. And how it's way more likely than not a cover for something pretty effing sinister if you ask me. Now like I've said time and time again, I'm not an effing scientist . But one HAS TO, HAS TO HAS TO EFFING THINK IF NOT ONLY FOR A MOMENT that something as science-y as a campaign to save sea creatures must have at least one scientist attached to it. Or a para-scientist or a lab assistant or someone who at least paid attention in science class. And these double blind empirical motherfuckers just have to know that this is going on. And either they are turning an effing blind eye or American science has gone more to shit to Star Wars Trilogy epic proportions.

So I wish that I could say that there was a happy ending to this post (no pun intended), but the sad fact of the matter is that our best defense against alien invasion (i.e. the scientific world) is asleep at the wheel and/or a part of a larger conspiracy to cull the human heard by looking the other way as we march like lambs to the slaughter each and every time we take a seaside vacation.