SpaghettiBurrito.com big ideas for small times: Leprechauns and monogamy

Leprechauns and monogamy

So here I sit celebrating my one week anniversary as a free agent in the relationship game of life. Looking back on the last seven days I've done a lot of the things that newly single people do: pour an entire bottle of nail polish on a paper plate and set it on fire, wear a different Halloween costume to bed every night, and look for leprechauns under rainbows. Oh, and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Which is why after a long hard work week consisting almost entirely of meetings about meetings I decided to get in my car, drive 148 miles, stare at the ocean, write really bad poetry and figure out exactly that.

The way I saw it I had about four options:

Become a celibate nun
Date only within my own socioeconomic strata and very likely end up a Stepford Wife spending the remainder of my days living in a McMansion and throwing up in my mouth a little more each and every day
Invite a whole host of gardeners, landscapers, car washers, dog washers, cat washers, plumbers and electricians over and secretly film my own YouTube reality show 'Who wants to date the homeowner'
Take some kind of 'common sense' approach to navigating this world as a single girl

Now as awesome as at least a couple of those competing theories sound, I decided to take the high road and go with option four. Only thing is I was (as always) a little perplexed at just exactly what constituted 'common sense' so I did what most people would do in a similar situation: look for numerical patterns in my immediate surroundings which I could then decode using the 26 letters of the alphabet and a couple of ancient hieroglyphic symbols to decipher exactly what revelation the universe had delivered unto me.

And besides I really needed a sign to guide me because I haven't rocked the singles scene for almost ten years and I'm sure that a lot has probably changed since everyone's biggest concern was the end of the world as we knew it with the whole y2k thing and everyone was out to get the most free lovin' they could before the big bang deleted all of our bank accounts and sent us into economic and spritual ruin.

And when that didn't work I asked the most knowledgeable single person I sorta kinda knew in the most directly indirect way I could conjure to figure out exactly how the hell to date in the 21st century.

Single Friend: Well what have you been doing so far?

Me: Making a mental list of things I like in a potential mate and things I don't. Oh, and looking for leprechauns.

Single Friend: Leprechauns?

Me: Yeah, the dudes who put gold under the rainbow. It rained a lot this week.

Single Friend: <sigh> I barely know you and yet I am entirely convinced you are not entirely 'all there'.

Me: No, really I'm here. I'll stop looking for leprechauns and focus on the task at hand. I'm ready to learn it from the master.

Then he went on to tell me all kinds of tidbits about relationships, dating and the singles scene. Oh, and threesomes. Which I didn't hear quite right the first time he said it so had to ask for a little clarification.

Me: Tree suns? What the hell do tree suns have to do with dating and relationships? And what the hell is a tree sun anyway? Here you are mocking me about Irish Fairy creatures that are KNOWN ENTITIES when here you are pulling things totally and completely OUT OF YOUR ASS.

Single Friend: Not tree suns. Threesomes. You know when one man gets to be with two women at one time.

Me: And/or one woman gets to be with two men?

Single Friend: Yeah. <big pause> I guess. </big pause>. If you're some kind of kinky freak. Or something.

Me: But what about monogamy? I'm really more of a 'one to a customer' kind of girl.

Single Friend: Monogamy? Now that DEFINITELY doesn't exist. I think you'll have better luck finding your leprechauns.

And there it was. In a span of about six minutes I had learned that there are people in this world that I sort of kind of like and almost know that question the existence of leprechauns, that monogamy no longer exists, and that, since I already know I don't have a remotely lesbian bone in my body I have no other choice than to become a celibate nun or a kinky freak in order to enter the mainstream dating game of 2010. Awesome.

So I think on this one I'm going to do what I usually do, what I've always done on this path of life. I will take the road less traveled. I will keep searching for leprechauns, and fairies and wood nymphs and whatever other mythical shit I know is out there just waiting for me to find it.

And I will also find that misshapen soul that I know is walking around somewhere who will complete my other wrangled half. Someday.