I'm fairly certain that my cat would light himself on fire if he could figure out how to use matches
So as winter turns into spring here in freeze-your-ass-off-until-it's-suddenly-a-hundred-degrees-and then-you-die-of-heat-stroke New England things like steam blasting radiators and indoor open fires used for heat not recreational purposes slowly ebb away from daily life only to make an appearance again way too quickly when in the blink of an eye it's winter again and time to start worrying about meeting your end by freezing to death in your sleep. Way too quickly for everyone, that is, except my cat.
You see even though Papi Chulo was born covered in fur, and, despite an overwhelming urge on my part to play cat stylist barber shop, he has never been shaved or otherwise deprived of his perpetual winter coat and yet he suffers from some weird disease that all cats, to some degree, suffer from but for some reason has super-manifested itself in him: he is addicted to heat.
Now this isn't the all natural heat that comes from, say, the sun which humans, for the most part, really dig. In fact, once nature spikes an eighty degree temp, he basically lies on his side, sticks his pink tongue out of his mouth and pants like a dog. He doesn't appear to enjoy the summertime for a lot of reasons and heat blasting from the sun is certainly one of them. Which is perfectly normal if one is always wearing a fur coat. One time I actually did put on a <fake> fur coat in the middle of a heat wave just to see what it would feel like to be a cat. If you are thinking about trying this experiment yourself, you can learn from my mistake and let your neighbors know ahead of time that you are conducting an animal behavioral study so they don't call the authorities while filming a video to put on YouTube of you rolling around in your garden in a full length coat with your eyes bugging out of your head while licking dirt on a hundred degree day. Theoretically.
So back to Papi Chulo and his weird behavior. Now in my house, your behavior needs to be so far off the beaten path of what regular society considers 'normal' for me to call it weird that you must understand how bizarre and, quite frankly, dangerous his addiction has become. It started innocently enough with taking a nap next to the heater. Then he graduated to sleeping on top of the heater. Then he discovered the fireplace. And fire.
Now I'll be the first to admit that fire holds a certain primal fascination for probably all creatures. Truth be told, I've been known to dabble in it a bit myself. But I have an opposable thumb and could, in theory, extinguish said fire (if I wanted to) in the event it got out of control in an emergency or threat of arrest kind of way. Also it's been my experience that fires are fun things to watch, but not to take a nap in. When you are sleeping in your fire you are pretty much giantly crying for help. Which is probably similar to the difference between having a few glasses of wine on a Friday night while making you and everyone else play tambourine karaoke as you get misty eyed over watching the Twitter streams of strangers and, say, being so drunk you intentionally stick your finger down your throat so you can vomit on an 11 year old girl while you are in the middle of being arrested . Shit like that requires an effing intervention.
So like many stories of those whose lives get so whacked out they end up on a reality show, it started out as something kind of funny to watch in a train-wreck-where-none-of-the-passengers-get-injured-so-it's-okay-to laugh sort of way. Papi Chulo kept moving his favorite napping spot closer and closer to the full blown roaring gas lit fireplace. It was all fun and games until one day I found him with his body fully pressed against the antique fireplace safety gate all the while the air having a faint smell of cat fur roasting on an open fire to it. But he didn't seem to notice or care. He was high on his drug of choice and nothing was gonna get him down. I think he hit bottom one day when the fireplace wasn't on but he really needed a fix. I caught him awkwardly fumbling with the gate as he stuck his cat paw in and waved it around in the general direction of the 'on' switch. And then I did what most people do when faced with a loved one clearly driving his car down the road to ruin superhighway. I quickly left the room and tried my best to unsee what I just saw.
But now the weather is warming up and the pipe that springs natural gas eternal to my hundred year old fireplace is turned off for the season via the shut off valve which is located in the basement so I'm pretty sure Papi Chulo is safe from his own personal demons for now. He just doesn't possess the skill set, body parts or partner in crime necessary to get down there to get his 'works'.
Unless, that is, his old buddy Isidro resurfaces from the cat afterlife to assist him with the ancient art of door opening...
You see even though Papi Chulo was born covered in fur, and, despite an overwhelming urge on my part to play cat stylist barber shop, he has never been shaved or otherwise deprived of his perpetual winter coat and yet he suffers from some weird disease that all cats, to some degree, suffer from but for some reason has super-manifested itself in him: he is addicted to heat.
Now this isn't the all natural heat that comes from, say, the sun which humans, for the most part, really dig. In fact, once nature spikes an eighty degree temp, he basically lies on his side, sticks his pink tongue out of his mouth and pants like a dog. He doesn't appear to enjoy the summertime for a lot of reasons and heat blasting from the sun is certainly one of them. Which is perfectly normal if one is always wearing a fur coat. One time I actually did put on a <fake> fur coat in the middle of a heat wave just to see what it would feel like to be a cat. If you are thinking about trying this experiment yourself, you can learn from my mistake and let your neighbors know ahead of time that you are conducting an animal behavioral study so they don't call the authorities while filming a video to put on YouTube of you rolling around in your garden in a full length coat with your eyes bugging out of your head while licking dirt on a hundred degree day. Theoretically.
So back to Papi Chulo and his weird behavior. Now in my house, your behavior needs to be so far off the beaten path of what regular society considers 'normal' for me to call it weird that you must understand how bizarre and, quite frankly, dangerous his addiction has become. It started innocently enough with taking a nap next to the heater. Then he graduated to sleeping on top of the heater. Then he discovered the fireplace. And fire.
Now I'll be the first to admit that fire holds a certain primal fascination for probably all creatures. Truth be told, I've been known to dabble in it a bit myself. But I have an opposable thumb and could, in theory, extinguish said fire (if I wanted to) in the event it got out of control in an emergency or threat of arrest kind of way. Also it's been my experience that fires are fun things to watch, but not to take a nap in. When you are sleeping in your fire you are pretty much giantly crying for help. Which is probably similar to the difference between having a few glasses of wine on a Friday night while making you and everyone else play tambourine karaoke as you get misty eyed over watching the Twitter streams of strangers and, say, being so drunk you intentionally stick your finger down your throat so you can vomit on an 11 year old girl while you are in the middle of being arrested . Shit like that requires an effing intervention.
So like many stories of those whose lives get so whacked out they end up on a reality show, it started out as something kind of funny to watch in a train-wreck-where-none-of-the-passengers-get-injured-so-it's-okay-to laugh sort of way. Papi Chulo kept moving his favorite napping spot closer and closer to the full blown roaring gas lit fireplace. It was all fun and games until one day I found him with his body fully pressed against the antique fireplace safety gate all the while the air having a faint smell of cat fur roasting on an open fire to it. But he didn't seem to notice or care. He was high on his drug of choice and nothing was gonna get him down. I think he hit bottom one day when the fireplace wasn't on but he really needed a fix. I caught him awkwardly fumbling with the gate as he stuck his cat paw in and waved it around in the general direction of the 'on' switch. And then I did what most people do when faced with a loved one clearly driving his car down the road to ruin superhighway. I quickly left the room and tried my best to unsee what I just saw.
But now the weather is warming up and the pipe that springs natural gas eternal to my hundred year old fireplace is turned off for the season via the shut off valve which is located in the basement so I'm pretty sure Papi Chulo is safe from his own personal demons for now. He just doesn't possess the skill set, body parts or partner in crime necessary to get down there to get his 'works'.
Unless, that is, his old buddy Isidro resurfaces from the cat afterlife to assist him with the ancient art of door opening...
It's a good thing Isidro wasn't a firestarter like his homeboy Papi Chulo because that cat had SKILLS. Here is a candid shot of him opening the door to let himself out. We always did butt heads on whether or not he was an indoor cat.
Posted by Jennifer at 4/17/2010 7:24 AM 
Categories: Animals also have a master plan and it doesn't involve humans being in the driver's seat
Tags: this should serve as a warning to all of mankind having a fascination with fire does not *automatically* make you a pyromaniac
Categories: Animals also have a master plan and it doesn't involve humans being in the driver's seat
Tags: this should serve as a warning to all of mankind having a fascination with fire does not *automatically* make you a pyromaniac
Papi Chulo might actually be a Phoenix looking for a pyre. Since he doesn't speak english, try shouting "fénix" to see if he responds...oh, and look for talons.
Escape artist kitty was RAD!
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