Now how I do I go about telling my elderly neighbor I'm not *actually* deaf?
Just about every time I leave my house I manage to paint myself into a corner and today was no exception. I didn't even have to go past the border of my white picket fence to do it. But I'm only gonna SHARE the blame on this one. The bi-polar weather of New England needs to man up and shoulder it's part in all of this.
It all started like two days ago when it was 96 degrees. I got all inspired with spring fever, walked to Home Depot and purchased some bulbs to plant outside. So imagine my disappointment when I woke up on this glorious sunny Saturday to a 39 degree morning. Rock.
But the great outdoors and I had plans. Outlook said so and I wasn't going to dismiss that reminder without putting up my dukes and jumping in the ring. So I threw on a sweatshirt and coat and some gloves then some more gloves then another coat and some earmuffs and a hat then finally pulled my hood up and I was good to go. Almost. Now even though I'm a full blown camping addict I.just.cannot.enjoy.nature.without.a.device.in.my.hand.or.at.least.on.my.person. And yes, my eighth of an acre yard totally counts as nature. And since it's a little *awkward* to type and dig at the same time my trusty iPod was the device of choice on this *fabulous* spring morning. I was super careful not to jam the earbuds too far down my ear canals and also to snake the cord of that bad boy down the INSIDE my sweatshirt so I didn't inadvertently kill myself by way of autoerotic asphyxiation in the front yard. That would have been too much for even my family to bear. And they can bear a lot.
When I finally got out the door things were really going my way in spite of the weather. I managed to get both the hedge trimmers AND the chainsaw out of the basement without being stopped by the penis police. Now for those not in the know, the penis police are in charge of making sure that ONLY people in possession of a penis operate any power tools in my house. Which is basically everyone EXCEPT me. Even the cats have penises. I suppose that means Papi Chulo gets dibs on the hedge trimmers before I do just because it has an effing power supply and he has a penis. Go figure.
But not today. The early bird gets the chainsaw <wink wink>. So I was jamming to Tchaikovsky or the Sex Pistols or someone, digging my holes with the assistance of that wonderful multi-purpose machine the chainsaw and having a grand old time when an elderly neighbor walked by. And stopped and moved her mouth while making a waving gesture. Now my earbuds were buried in six layers of head warming gear and I had two pair of gloves too many to even think about going on a hunting expedition for the pause and/or volume button. So I smiled back at her and made a large pointing gesture at my ears while shaking my head 'no' which everyone knows is the universal sign for I can't hear you because I am wearing six coats and I have hidden my ipod so it doesn't kill me in a weird, yet sexually enjoyable way while gardening.
Everyone except my neighbor that is. Apparently she thought it meant we should talk in sign language which apparently she knew. Now I know a few signs myself. In the small town where I grew up there were a couple of kids who couldn't hear so they talked in sign language and I have to say there was more than one party where they were the only ones who would listen to me by the end of the night so along the way I picked some of the dialect. Not enough to be dropped in a sign speaking country mind you, but enough, say, to indicate I have to pee or ask if anyone needs a beer refill. So whatever I said to her with my very gloved hands made her smile and she said a bunch of things with her hands that I couldn't understand so I did what any person does when someone is speaking a language they don't understand I gave the universal sign for 'I don't know what the fuck you are saying'. I smiled and nodded.
So she 'signed off' and went on her way and left me smiling and nodding in my front yard wondering what the eff just happened. And not five minutes later it got warm enough for me to take off my hood and my hat and my gloves and my jacket and my second jacket and my ear muffs. And with my earbuds and Pod clearly visible, not one passerby attempted to engage me in small talk.
Which brings me to my next.big.idea. Although earbuds sure are small and convenient, they can lead to misunderstandings such as the one outlined above. And wearing those GIANT headphones can sure make you look like a giant douchebag. Or a porn star from 1977. Which is why I think Apple needs to stop screwing around with turning the iphone into a piece of furniture à la 'the pad' and instead focus on developing something with more meaning that solves a real problem that actual people have. Along the lines of an 'iHelmet'. Or 'headband'. Or something. I mean, there oughta be some absolute way to tell the difference between someone who can't hear because they can't hear and someone who is hearing, but only hearing their tunes and not in a position to hear an effing word you say so you should probably stop talking to them. And when you don't feel like talking to people or if you want to hear what people say about you when they think you're not listening, you can jut put on your ihelmet and pretend like your jamming away. The 'helmet' has almost as many uses as the chainsaw and it hasn't even been invented yet. It's that good.
I thought about it and I'm just gonna throw this out there and basically give it to Apple. For free. Because it's the right thing to do. You can start setting up your lawn chairs outside the Apple Store anytime. I have a feeling these bad boys are gonna have one long ass line of people waiting to get their gloved hands on one.
It all started like two days ago when it was 96 degrees. I got all inspired with spring fever, walked to Home Depot and purchased some bulbs to plant outside. So imagine my disappointment when I woke up on this glorious sunny Saturday to a 39 degree morning. Rock.
But the great outdoors and I had plans. Outlook said so and I wasn't going to dismiss that reminder without putting up my dukes and jumping in the ring. So I threw on a sweatshirt and coat and some gloves then some more gloves then another coat and some earmuffs and a hat then finally pulled my hood up and I was good to go. Almost. Now even though I'm a full blown camping addict I.just.cannot.enjoy.nature.without.a.device.in.my.hand.or.at.least.on.my.person. And yes, my eighth of an acre yard totally counts as nature. And since it's a little *awkward* to type and dig at the same time my trusty iPod was the device of choice on this *fabulous* spring morning. I was super careful not to jam the earbuds too far down my ear canals and also to snake the cord of that bad boy down the INSIDE my sweatshirt so I didn't inadvertently kill myself by way of autoerotic asphyxiation in the front yard. That would have been too much for even my family to bear. And they can bear a lot.
When I finally got out the door things were really going my way in spite of the weather. I managed to get both the hedge trimmers AND the chainsaw out of the basement without being stopped by the penis police. Now for those not in the know, the penis police are in charge of making sure that ONLY people in possession of a penis operate any power tools in my house. Which is basically everyone EXCEPT me. Even the cats have penises. I suppose that means Papi Chulo gets dibs on the hedge trimmers before I do just because it has an effing power supply and he has a penis. Go figure.
But not today. The early bird gets the chainsaw <wink wink>. So I was jamming to Tchaikovsky or the Sex Pistols or someone, digging my holes with the assistance of that wonderful multi-purpose machine the chainsaw and having a grand old time when an elderly neighbor walked by. And stopped and moved her mouth while making a waving gesture. Now my earbuds were buried in six layers of head warming gear and I had two pair of gloves too many to even think about going on a hunting expedition for the pause and/or volume button. So I smiled back at her and made a large pointing gesture at my ears while shaking my head 'no' which everyone knows is the universal sign for I can't hear you because I am wearing six coats and I have hidden my ipod so it doesn't kill me in a weird, yet sexually enjoyable way while gardening.
Everyone except my neighbor that is. Apparently she thought it meant we should talk in sign language which apparently she knew. Now I know a few signs myself. In the small town where I grew up there were a couple of kids who couldn't hear so they talked in sign language and I have to say there was more than one party where they were the only ones who would listen to me by the end of the night so along the way I picked some of the dialect. Not enough to be dropped in a sign speaking country mind you, but enough, say, to indicate I have to pee or ask if anyone needs a beer refill. So whatever I said to her with my very gloved hands made her smile and she said a bunch of things with her hands that I couldn't understand so I did what any person does when someone is speaking a language they don't understand I gave the universal sign for 'I don't know what the fuck you are saying'. I smiled and nodded.
So she 'signed off' and went on her way and left me smiling and nodding in my front yard wondering what the eff just happened. And not five minutes later it got warm enough for me to take off my hood and my hat and my gloves and my jacket and my second jacket and my ear muffs. And with my earbuds and Pod clearly visible, not one passerby attempted to engage me in small talk.
Which brings me to my next.big.idea. Although earbuds sure are small and convenient, they can lead to misunderstandings such as the one outlined above. And wearing those GIANT headphones can sure make you look like a giant douchebag. Or a porn star from 1977. Which is why I think Apple needs to stop screwing around with turning the iphone into a piece of furniture à la 'the pad' and instead focus on developing something with more meaning that solves a real problem that actual people have. Along the lines of an 'iHelmet'. Or 'headband'. Or something. I mean, there oughta be some absolute way to tell the difference between someone who can't hear because they can't hear and someone who is hearing, but only hearing their tunes and not in a position to hear an effing word you say so you should probably stop talking to them. And when you don't feel like talking to people or if you want to hear what people say about you when they think you're not listening, you can jut put on your ihelmet and pretend like your jamming away. The 'helmet' has almost as many uses as the chainsaw and it hasn't even been invented yet. It's that good.
I thought about it and I'm just gonna throw this out there and basically give it to Apple. For free. Because it's the right thing to do. You can start setting up your lawn chairs outside the Apple Store anytime. I have a feeling these bad boys are gonna have one long ass line of people waiting to get their gloved hands on one.
Posted by Jennifer at 4/10/2010 2:21 PM 
Categories: Making the world a better place, Stupid shit that only happens to me and a lot of other people too, Things that should have happened but didn't
Tags: What a tangled web we weave
Categories: Making the world a better place, Stupid shit that only happens to me and a lot of other people too, Things that should have happened but didn't
Tags: What a tangled web we weave
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